Time is a continually perplexing thing to me. From the time you're young, everyone tells you "Enjoy every day because time will go faster and faster the older you get!" I've lost count of how many times I've heard those words of wisdom uttered to me, but recently I've found myself saying the same thing to others. In large part, it seems to be true. Time seems to be going by faster and faster with each year. I always feel like I've just flipped my calendar to a new month, then suddenly, once again, a new month has come and it's once again time to move onto a new month.
It's true that when I think about years as a whole, they seem to have flown by. It seems completely unbelievable to me that it's been a year since I went to the Bahamas with Megan. It doesn't seem in any way possible that it's nearly been a year since I finished teaching at North. It certainly feels like a dream when I think about the fact that I've been in Korea for 8 months. Yes, 8 months.
However, it's also true that these supersonic years can be filled with painfully long days.
These same years that seemingly fly by can be composed of days that are filled with pain, boredom, and sadness. These interminable kind of days never seem to fly by, but instead seem as if they are years in themselves. Days like these are a part of life. If we're lucky (and I certainly am), these days are limited and eventually fade into the distance of our minds as they're overshadowed by fonder memories.
Nothing makes you more aware of just how much happens in a year than living abroad. This is good and bad. Yes, it's amazing and wonderful because of all the new experiences and people you meet. There are priceless memories and new opportunities for introspection that allow you to learn about yourself in ways you may not have been able to in any other setting.
However, being absent from some of the natural things that happen over the course of one year--deaths, births, holidays, graduations, and weddings, really awakens your consciousness to how full of important events every year is. When you're home you notice these things, but not in the way you do when you're absent from them. There's a particular kind of pain that comes with missing all of these elements of a year.
When I moved to Korea, I knew that by the time I moved home things would be different. Friends would change and move away. People would pass away. Babies would be born. Kids would grow up. People would get new jobs. Stores would be built and stores would go out of business.
I know I won't truly know the power of how much can change in a year until I'm home and I can see all of these changes. And perhaps more importantly, how they've changed the landscape of this idea of home that I have in my mind. I've heard about various things that have happened in my absence, but I know none of it will really feel real until I can see and experience it for myself.
As I'm constantly weighing my options for next year, I can't help but wonder what will be waiting for me if I decide to go home. And maybe more importantly, what will be waiting for me if I stay in Korea for another year and move home in 2015? What's in Korea if I stay for another year?
Life is short and unpredictable. I feel I've been given some bold reminders of this recently.
There are so many things I want to do, but they come at the price of missing my friends and family back home. It's a high price to pay, and my main concern about staying in Korea for another year.
Additionally, this week has brought a consuming kind of homesickness as it is Holy Week and Easter and on Sunday. In many ways Easter is my favorite holiday, but this week hasn't felt a bit like the week leading up to Easter, which has been incredibly disorienting for me. This is a week I really don't care to spend in Korea at all. There's not even an ounce of me that is passionate about being here right now. Instead, my heart would much rather be in Manchester, in my home church and with my family.
I know my school is going to ask if I want to renew my contract at any time now (some of my friends have already been asked), but it's a strangely emotional time to make this decision (hence this long ramble of a post). It's difficult to separate the rational from the emotional at times, and it certainly doesn't make decision-making easy when the two don't agree. This week I've felt a powerful dissonance between my mind and my heart.
Nonetheless, I know this homesickness will pass, as it always does, and things will work the way they're meant to. In the meantime, I hope everyone at home knows just how much you are missed and loved.
XO
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