Limping to the finish line

If I had to choose one emoticon to display how I've been feeling recently, this would have to be it. Teaching in Korea has made one thing abundantly clear to me over the past few weeks:

Having school during the summer is just wrong.

I remember way back in the winter one of my friends here said that every July she wants to quit her job.  I now can understand why. These past few weeks have been a bit of struggle.

To start with, Korea's summers are really hot and humid, so by the time I walk to school each day I'm pretty drenched with sweat, which pretty negates the shower I take each morning.  It's not the most glamorous way to being the day, and the school itself is only sometimes air conditioned.

Secondly, despite the fact that finals were two weeks ago, we have been continuing with classes as normal, just with students who are less motivated and more exhausted.

I spent the entirety of last week trying to finish all of my grades for the writing class I did with the first grade girls.  Grading always takes a long time, but it takes way longer when you're reading essays written by students who don't speak English as their first language. At times it's exhausting to figure out what the intention of each sentence is, and it takes the mental exhaustion that comes from grading to a new level.

Nevertheless, I'm so glad I did that writing class this semester because I saw so much improvement in my students' writing.  At the beginning of the semester they struggled to write one paragraph.  By the end, they wrote two five paragraph essays.  I feel like a proud mama when I see so much improvement in their work.  These are the things that make me love working in education.

Of course, grading is grading and I don't think I've felt so overwhelmed with work since teaching back in America (and that's saying a lot!)  We're talking non-stop working, staying up crazy late busy. Last week I told myself all I had to do was get to the weekend....but it hasn't slowed down a bit this week.

Next week I'll be teaching an English camp at my school.  Although the last week of regular classes is this week, of course my students are still in school for the rest of the summer.  Actually all EPIK teachers are responsible for doing an English camp during school breaks, which essentially is just what is sounds like. You pick a theme and teach kids for an extended amount of time each day.

Yesterday I found out my camp will be next week from 4-9.  Yes, that's right.  4-9 PM.  Gross.  And since the camp will be with the same group of students each day, that means I have four hours of lessons to prepare for each day.  That's just a lot of planning...and a long time to be spending with the same group of kids.  Given it usually takes me hours just to plan one lesson, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do to prepare for next week.

Of course, it would be a bit better if I didn't have a teacher's trip this whole weekend.  Not to mention, my three-hour Wednesday planning block is non-existent this week because my CT told me today that I need to go to Gumi to renew my ARC tomorrow during that time.  Since I teach ALL day Thursdays and we leave for our trip on Friday, I can't help wonder: when exactly am I supposed to get my materials together? Did I didn't even get home from school until 9:30 tonight...

After my camp I'll be teaching a conversation class the following week...which I think they think will be easy, and maybe it would be except the class will only have about five kids.  As anyone who has taught a small class before knows, you have to plan A LOT more when classes are that small.

The past few weeks I just feel like I've been drowning in school work.  It's the feeling you get when you look at your to-do list and your free time and you know that there's no way to cross everything off besides losing a lot of sleep.  It's the feeling when you keep giving yourself goals ("just finish this project and you'll have some time to breathe")....only to finish your project and realize that actually there is just way more waiting for you and in reality the finish line is WAY further down the line.

This semester has, in general, been extremely long and exhausting.  Today I was reflecting and trying to figure out why I feel so burnt out.  Then it hit me--in America we have school vacations about every two months.  Now here in Korea we are going on five months now with only one five day weekend.  Now I know to people who don't work in education think this sounds normal...but truly school vacations exist for a reason and I can now tell why.  Students and teachers in Korea both are going through the motions but there isn't an ounce of energy left in anyone.

On top of everything it probably doesn't help that this is my last week with most of my students, and I'm bracing myself for some difficult goodbyes with friends coming up in August.  I can't quite wrap my head around what it's going to feel like here without these people, and quite honestly I'm trying to put it out of my mind for the time being, but it's still always there behind everything else. Just a bit of emotional exhaustion on top of everything else.

In the meantime, I am thinking about home constantly and my main motivation to plow through my absurd workload has been the countdown I have going on my phone (18 days and counting!)  The work is going to get done somehow or another, and I can't think of any sweeter way to end this marathon than with my friends and family, in a place where for the first time in a year, I'll be able to understand everything.  I can't quite wrap my head around that yet.

Since I started this entry with a rather depressing emoticon, I suppose I should finish it with one that is a little more uplifting. So ladies and gentlemen, here is an emoticon that depicts just how I feel about coming home:

And yes, he has a butt crack on his head.  Why? Because, Korea. 

Yep.

I've officially hit that point in the semester where I'm burnt out.  It's a little pathetic considering last week was midterms, so I had it pretty easy.  But after only teaching a few classes today, all I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep.  My enthusiasm for planning is pretty much non-existent, and I can't help wondering: have I lost my teaching stamina?  Surely my workload is nothing compared to what I had back in the States. Last year at this time I could have plowed through the amount of work I simply can't seem to get through here.

But then I remember, working in Korea isn't just about the hours I spend in the classroom or the amount of lessons I have to create every week.  Although the teaching itself isn't as consuming as back home, it's draining in completely different ways.  There's the constant energy is sucks away when you're trying to make sense of the broken english of your students and co-workers.  There's the the constant stress of not really knowing what you're supposed to be doing--or knowing if you're inadvertently doing something wrong.  There's the stress of not ever really being sure what is going on in your work environment. And on occasion (and especially over the past week for me), there's the emotional toll of wanting to be on the other side of the world, far away from the office you're stuck in, with facebook as a constant reminder of what you're missing out on.

I wasn't anticipating having my first year students this week because they were supposed to be on a trip to Jeju Island.  However, given the tragedy of the ferry accident, the trip was cancelled.  Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE my students. I just wasn't mentally prepared to have all of my regular classes this week. Desptite the fact that it's only Monday, I can definitely say I'm ready for the long weekend we have in the beginning of May.

Time to drink some coffee and give myself a pep-talk.  Let's do this!

Everland/Other Updates

I AM SO TIRED.

Yep, definitely feels like I'm teaching again.  I've said it before, but teaching really does exhaust you in a way that nothing else does.  Add in the constant confusion and lack of understanding of what is going on, and it takes the whole teaching thing to a new level.

These past few weeks have been ridiculously busy.  When I think about the fact that I haven't even been in Korea for a month yet, it totally blows my mind. I feel like I'm still living in a fog of emotions/experiences.

My first week of teaching went pretty well.  I did an introduction lesson in every class with information about where I'm from, what I like to do, and a little information about my family.  The students really enjoyed seeing photos, and I loved seeing their reactions to everything (they thought my dad was really handsome and they thought any boy in a picture with me was my boyfriend).  I also enjoyed their questions--the first question was always to ask if I had a boyfriend.  Several classes asked if I would date their teacher (my co-teacher, who was always in the room when they asked....nothing like making things awkward!)  My favorite question was probably when one girl asked how I am so slim when so many Americans are fat.  Classic.

I still need to take pictures of my school and explain how the school system works here in Korea.  It's coming, I promise.

This past weekend I had a few visitors, which was nice, even though I am a terrible tour guide at this point since I really don't know anything about this city yet!  I have some major learning to do!

Monday was our school trip to Everland.  Well, only the first graders went there--the second grade went somewhere else, and the third graders are too busy studying for their college entrance exam, so they didn't go anywhere.

I got to school around 7:30 AM, and I was glad to see that one of the other English teachers I met back at the first staff dinners would be the other teacher on my bus (and by default, responsible for spending the day with me).  She is really young and speaks English really well, so I was relieved to know that that would at least make the day easier.

We were probably only on the bus for around 30 minutes before we stopped at a rest stop.  Korean rest stops are far superior to US rest stops, by the way.  I wanted to take pictures, but I didn't know if that would make me look totally weird...I'm not quite in that comfort zone to be THAT American yet..

We all got coffee (that the school paid for), and got back on the road.  About an hour later we arrived at Everland.  Everland is an amusement park, kind of like the Disneyland of Korea.  The kids went their separate ways and we started to walk around the park. We checked out a lot of the animal related stuff--they have some really cool safari bus rides that you can do that bring you REALLY close to a lot of the animals.

After a while, we stopped by a drink stand and as I pulled out money for my drink, the other teacher told me that "No, the school will pay! Anything you want...it's free!"  Not such a bad deal.

We spent a lot of time walking around because my other teacher friend doesn't like rides.  There were some cool roller coasters I wanted to go on, but I obviously wasn't going to go ditch her to go on them...oh well, maybe another time!

Our day was nice, but one of my favorite parts of the day was seeing the students having FUN and being kids.  There kids are ALWAYS at school.  In fact, they are still at school as I write this.  It blows my mind.  I am so glad that for at least one day, they got to enjoy themselves.

We left Everland around 4:30.  We stopped again on the way home  (apparently a 2 hour bus ride is just too long to do without stopping?), and by the time we got home I was EXHAUSTED.  Of course, when we got back I was informed that the teachers were going to a restaurant for dinner.  All I really wanted to do was go home, but it's not good to pass up those opportunities, so all headed over to a local restaurant for some food.  Finally, I was home and completely wiped. (it was probably 8:30 by that point). But I had to finish preparing a few things for my classes the next day--the last thing you want to do after a long day.

School yesterday was crazy stressful, but you can read more about that in my last post.

Today I reached a somewhat new level of school related stress.

I have always been a perfectionist--when I was a student I would stay up ridiculously late studying for tests, to the point where my parents would tell me to go to bed because sleeping was more important than school.  Of course, I always ignored them, because not doing well was just never an option in my mind.

As I have gotten older, I have relaxed in many ways, but I cannot shake my need to feel like I am being successful in what I'm doing.  It's one of the things that makes teaching very difficult for me--there are so many challenges, and it takes a long time and a lot of practice to really be a good teacher.  When I was teaching in America, I always knew there were so many things I could do better, but when I was feeling like a complete failure I had a huge support network of people who understood how I felt.

Jumping into teaching here has been really challenging, in large part because I don't really know what is expected of me or how I am supposed to teach.  Teaching English is completely different from teaching at home where I at least know what the curriculum is and the general accepted methods of teaching.

Only one of my classes here has a textbook, and it's really just a random assortment of English phrases.  There is absolutely no coherent theme within the units.  I've been getting mixed messages about how I should be teaching, and it's making it really hard for me to plan anything that I feel ok with.

After one of my lessons today, one of my co-teachers was telling me that some of the kids that are shy were getting discouraged because I didn't call on them to answer a question, and she told me I should call on the shy kids more.

Ok, I absolutely would.  Except it is only my second time seeing these kids (and I have SO MANY STUDENTS!), so I really don't know which kids are the shy students yet.  It's little things like that that can make it really frustrating for me to feel like I am being even somewhat successful.

That conversation made me feel really guilty, and the stress of school had me missing home in a big way today.  Of course, right when I was at lunch trying to keep myself together, one of the teachers asked me about how I keep in touch with my parents--not the best timing for a question like that, when I was already trying really hard not to think about home.  Let's just say I was very ready to be done with lunch today.

Anyone who has ever taught knows that it often takes a few times to get a lesson to the point where it's really any good.  I am having to try so many new things, and sometimes things aren't working.  This is a normal part of teaching, but I like I am really under the microscope, which makes me feel like if a lesson doesn't work out, I'm a bad teacher.

Please don't take this the wrong way--everyone at school is still extremely nice to me, but I can't seem to shake my inner perfectionist.

Also, don't take my rants to mean that I don't like teaching here.  I absolutely love my students.  They make my day, everyday.  And anyone who has ever taught knows that that alone is why you teach--it's the students that make it worth it.

Phew!

So tired, so busy!

To those of you who check this frequently (so pretty much my parents & Pont), sorry that I haven't had a chance to update much about school recently.  This week has been super busy.  I went on a field trip today and I promise I will update you all as soon as I have some free time.  Hopefully within the next few days.

In the meantime, here are some fun facts about Korea for you:

--Korea is roughly the size of Indiana, but has a greater population than California and Texas combined.  Also, 70% of the country is mountains.  That is some crazy population density.

--You don't flush the toilet paper in Korea.  Instead, there is a little waste basket next to the toilet that you put it in.  We didn't know this for the first few days at orientation.  Our minds were blown when we were finally told what that little bucket in our bathrooms was for.

--You don't tip at restaurants.

--Drinking in public is legal.

--It's considered rude to blow your nose in front of someone.


Much love! xoxo