What's in a year?

Time is a continually perplexing thing to me. From the time you're young, everyone tells you "Enjoy every day because time will go faster and faster the older you get!" I've lost count of how many times I've heard those words of wisdom uttered to me, but recently I've found myself saying the same thing to others. In large part, it seems to be true.  Time seems to be going by faster and faster with each year.  I always feel like I've just flipped my calendar to a new month, then suddenly, once again, a new month has come and it's once again time to move onto a new month.

It's true that when I think about years as a whole, they seem to have flown by.  It seems completely unbelievable to me that it's been a year since I went to the Bahamas with Megan.  It doesn't seem in any way possible that it's nearly been a year since I finished teaching at North.  It certainly feels like a dream when I think about the fact that I've been in Korea for 8 months.  Yes, 8 months.

However, it's also true that these supersonic years can be filled with painfully long days.

These same years that seemingly fly by can be composed of days that are filled with pain, boredom, and sadness.  These interminable kind of days never seem to fly by, but instead seem as if they are years in themselves.  Days like these are a part of life.  If we're lucky (and I certainly am), these days are limited and eventually fade into the distance of our minds as they're overshadowed by fonder memories.

Nothing makes you more aware of just how much happens in a year than living abroad. This is good and bad. Yes, it's amazing and wonderful because of all the new experiences and people you meet.  There are priceless memories and new opportunities for introspection that allow you to learn about yourself in ways you may not have been able to in any other setting.

However, being absent from some of the natural things that happen over the course of one year--deaths, births, holidays, graduations, and weddings, really awakens your consciousness to how full of important events every year is.  When you're home you notice these things, but not in the way you do when you're absent from them. There's a particular kind of pain that comes with missing all of these elements of a year.

When I moved to Korea, I knew that by the time I moved home things would be different.  Friends would change and move away. People would pass away. Babies would be born.  Kids would grow up.  People would get new jobs.  Stores would be built and stores would go out of business.

I know I won't truly know the power of how much can change in a year until I'm home and I can see all of these changes. And perhaps more importantly, how they've changed the landscape of this idea of home that I have in my mind.  I've heard about various things that have happened in my absence, but I know none of it will really feel real until I can see and experience it for myself.

As I'm constantly weighing my options for next year, I can't help but wonder what will be waiting for me if I decide to go home. And maybe more importantly, what will be waiting for me if I stay in Korea for another year and move home in 2015?  What's in Korea if I stay for another year?

Life is short and unpredictable.  I feel I've been given some bold reminders of this recently.

There are so many things I want to do, but they come at the price of missing my friends and family back home.  It's a high price to pay, and my main concern about staying in Korea for another year.

Additionally, this week has brought a consuming kind of homesickness as it is Holy Week and Easter and on Sunday.  In many ways Easter is my favorite holiday, but this week hasn't felt a bit like the week leading up to Easter, which has been incredibly disorienting for me. This is a week I really don't care to spend in Korea at all.  There's not even an ounce of me that is passionate about being here right now. Instead, my heart would much rather be in Manchester, in my home church and with my family.

I know my school is going to ask if I want to renew my contract at any time now (some of my friends have already been asked), but it's a strangely emotional time to make this decision (hence this long ramble of a post).  It's difficult to separate the rational from the emotional at times, and it certainly doesn't make decision-making easy when the two don't agree. This week I've felt a powerful dissonance between my mind and my heart.

Nonetheless, I know this homesickness will pass, as it always does, and things will work the way they're meant to. In the meantime, I hope everyone at home knows just how much you are missed and loved.

XO

Thinking of home.

"You can kiss your family and friends goodbye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you." --Frederick Buechner

Homesickness can strike you at the most surprising and unpredictable times.   Sometimes it's a conversation with a friend from home, a song you hear, or just a memory that comes out of no where and hits you in just the right (or wrong) way.  There's not always any rhyme or reason. It can happen at the times when you're most happy and content with your life.

This is what happened to me this week.  In the midst of one of the high points of my "I love Korea" periods, I had a Skype session with one of my best friends from back home.  For some reason, in no way because of anything in particular that my friend said, after we finished talking all I could think about was home. My thoughts were consumed by how much I miss my friends, and how awesome it would feel to hang out with them again. I kept thinking about all the things I left behind and how drastically different my life is now from last year.  I thought about my old classroom, my old students, and my old routine.  I thought about all the foods I miss eating and the bars I miss hanging out at.  I thought about dance and going out to brunch after class on Saturday mornings.

Although I've been saying I'm pretty sure I'll stay in Korea for another year, in my head I started thinking about my options if I decided to go home for good in August.  I started to convince myself that I could somehow be financially stable enough to move back home at the end of my contract in August, even though I don't even know where I'll begin to job search or how long it will take me to get into a teaching job again.  

It's strange how suddenly homesickness can knock you off your feet.  It doesn't come gradually, at least for me.  Instead, it sweeps me away and captures my thoughts, almost entirely. It's as abrupt and powerful as being punched in the stomach and having the wind knocked out of you.

Naturally, I know what these feelings are.  It's what every person living abroad experiences from time to time.  And it really is only from time to time.  I've in no way experienced the aggravating effects of "culture shock", but homesickness has gotten to me a number of times over these six months.

As I've said a number of occasions, the amazing experiences of living abroad come at the expense of number of things--the most difficult of which is being away from friends and family.  So, even though I spend a considerable amount of time on here talking about how awesome my life here is (and it is awesome), I hope no one at home ever thinks that it means that I miss you any less, because I don't.  I think of you all constantly, and I've spent way too much time daydreaming about how incredible and fulfilling it will be to be reunited with you all again.

xo

Giving Thanks

Right now my friends and family are waking up and preparing for a day full of family, friends, food, and of course, football.  The facebook statuses are starting to change to notes of personal thanks, and  I'm sure by the time I wake up tomorrow my newsfeed will be filled with various images of family gatherings and heaping plates of food.

I can't say that today was an easy day.  I had a busy, full day of classes.  During my off periods I had to write questions for the final exam.  I had some serious moments when I questioned why I was here and not at home with my family.  Is it really worth it to be here?  Aren't our friends and families the most important things in life?  Then why did I selfishly trade it all in for my life in Korea?

In my culture class I have been teaching the students about Thanksgiving for the past two weeks.  Last week I talked about the history behind Thanksgiving, and today I talked about the modern aspects of Thanksgiving--family, food, football, shopping, etc.  As I went through the slides today, I had to move quickly because I knew if I stayed on any image or thought for too long the tears I had been fighting off all day were going to come to surface.  I'm pretty sure crying in front of my students is a whole level of awkwardness I don't want to go to.

When I was at lunch, I looked at my tray of food.  Rice, soup, pork, dried squid, rice noodles.  Not exactly what I ever anticipated eating on Thanksgiving Day.  

Needless to say, I was happy when the day was over and I could get out of school.  

Earlier in the week, I invited people over to my place because there was no way I was going to sit at home alone on my first Thanksgiving away from home.  Interestingly enough, a lot of the Jeomchoners are South Africans so Thanksgiving is meaningless to them, and out of the Americans apparently some people have been abroad long enough that missing Thanksgiving isn't really a big deal any more.  Luckily, a small group of people were enthusiastic about coming over to spend the night together.  

We ended up having the most unconventional Thanksgiving food ever (um, nachos and ice cream cake?), but in all honesty I could have cared less about what we ate.  I was happy just to spend the night with some friends.  I have a feeling that years from now when I'm back in America this is going to make a great story.  I can hear it now..."This one time, when I was in Korea, we had nachos and ice cream for Thanksgiving dinner."

I know that this next month is probably going to kick homesickness into high gear as the holiday season approaches, but I know that it will pass, and I know that the amazing things I'm experiencing here come at the expense of some homesickness.

I am truly thankful for all those I have at home who have loved and supported me from the moment I revealed my plan to go to Korea, to the moment I got on the plane, all the way up to my current life in Jeomchon. I know a lot of people didn't understand why I wanted to come here (why Korea?!), but many people still supported me, even when they didn't understand the reasons, and that means a lot to me.

Words cannot express how thankful I am to have the opportunity to be in Korea. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the chain of circumstances that made being here an option in the first place.  I have been beyond privileged throughout my life to have loving and supportive parents, access to a good education, the opportunity to obtain a higher education, a year of teaching with students and coworkers I will never forget, and friends to keep me company through all of the joys and challenges along the way. 

I would never be in Korea without those of you who have supported me throughout the years, and for that, I am forever thankful.  I am thankful to those of you who let me go and encouraged me, even though you didn't want me to go.  

To those of you who continue to support me, thank you. One of my biggest fears about being here is losing my roots at home.  I have talked to enough people who have been abroad long enough to know that it happens.  There are people from home who I already feel distant from, even though it's only been three months.  To those of you who put in the effort to communicate with me in some way on a consistent basis, I can't begin to tell you how much I value that.  

I feel blessed beyond measure to have friends and family back home in America, but I am without doubt grateful for the new life I have here in Korea.  How blessed am I to have a home in two countries, on opposite sides of the world from each other?  God has given me so much over the past few months, and even though it's difficult to do when homesickness kicks in, I know these are the things I need to focus on.  

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone back home.  I miss and love you all, and I can't wait until I get to see you all again.

And most importantly, thank you for all that you have and continue to do for me.  

Thoughts on homesickness

I took these pictures as I left school today.  The one on the right was my view as I walked out of the building.  I'm not a fan of the fact that it's getting dark so early these days, but it's hard to be upset with a beautiful sunset and mountains in the distance.

Today was a little stressful, as many Mondays are for me because it's my first day with a new batch of lessons. I also started speaking tests for the second grade girls today, so I had to get everything ready for that as well. Of course my procrastinating self was still getting things together at the last minute (which is quite frankly pathetic because I had tons of deskwarming time last week).

Despite the somewhat hectic nature of Mondays, as I left school a group of boys yelled my name and told me to have a good night.  I told them to have fun on their trip (1st grade students are going on a trip to Jeju Island for the rest of the week...needless to say, I'm jealous).  Regardless, the boys asked why I wasn't coming and told me they would take lost of pictures and bring me back a present.

As I continued to walk down the hill I saw girls and talked to them briefly about the chilly weather.

I continued to walk further, and I couldn't help but think, "Man, I really love these kids."

They don't understand what I'm saying half the time (ok, maybe only a quarter of the time), but these kids are really some of the sweetest students I'll ever get to work with.  I don't even know their names (for the most part), but I've been here long enough that I know their faces and their personalities.  As cliche as it sounds, these kids make my days awesome and make me glad I'm in Korea.

Homesickness (but still not culture shock) has been hitting me in some ways recently.  Not that I'm unhappy to be here, but I'm realizing that it will still be 9 months before I am home again.  That's starting to feel like a long time.  My time here has been great, but anyway you look at it, 9 months is a long time to go without seeing friends and family, dancing, driving my car, etc.

My life in America seems like it's in another dimension.  I know I graduated, I know I taught all of last year, I know I have friends and family on the other side of the world, but none of that stuff feels real to me anymore, and I think that the strangest part of homesickness for me.  All of the things that I identified with are  still there, but I have no way of being anywhere near them.  It also probably doesn't help that my nieces, best friend, and sister all have birthdays this week, so that's probably not helping with the whole "feeling really distant" thing.

The biggest realization I've come to is that I can miss home and still be happy.  I always thought of homesickness as being that miserable point where you just want to pack your bags and get on the next plane home. What I've come to realize is that there's a difference.  You can be miss home but simultaneously have no desire to move back home and go back to your former life.

And besides, if I ever need a reminder of why my life is so awesome right now all I have to do is take a walk through the hallway at school and I'll find plenty of "hellos" and smiling faces to remind me of why moving my life to the other side of the world was the best decision I ever made.

When home starts to feel far away.

I'm currently sitting at my desk at school and The Red Sox just won the World Series.  During the duration of the game I wasn't with my friends and family nervously watching the game.  Instead, I was teaching a classroom full of high school boys about Halloween.

I've always known that I'm far from home, but today is the first time home really feels far away. Today is the fist time I can really feel just how much the distance has removed me from the place where I have the most connections--the place that has made me who I am.

I'm happy I'm in Korea, but I know as the holidays approach, home is going to start feeling further and further away.  I can't help but think--if I'm this bummed about missing the World Series, how will I feel on Thanksgiving day when I'm teaching while my family has Thanksgiving dinner?  Or how will I feel when my family opens presents on Christmas while I'm on the other side of the world?

The answer is, I'll probably feel pretty terrible.  It's probably going to be a lot harder than today.

Living abroad provides you with an abundance of amazing opportunities.  However, these opportunities only come as the result of sacrifices.  The price you pay for the amazing, unique, opportunities of living abroad is missing out on some of these moments with your friends and family.  For all of the amazing highs that come with living in Korea, there are lows as well.

I hope everyone back home is enjoying the win--please celebrate extra for me! Miss you all!

xox